Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The pasta is now
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me My dog
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.