is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
peep davidson
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you