Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I think I’ll stand
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
ok this is my dumbest yet