@sfreeze6: [on deathbed - calls for son] ".....if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it....."

@simoncholland: Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.

@_Mo_lee_: "Man, what's eating you today? *looks down* I Don't know.... GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@pharmasean: What's your spirit animal? "An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave

@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.