Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Well, this explains it:
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch