“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.