Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I wish I were this cool 😂
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
kitchen magnet
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.