Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Body by Oreos
That lamp looks PISSED.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.