@boring_as_heck: "hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars." idiot flintstones. no wonder you're extinct.
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@sixthformpoet: The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
@CodyJP9412: COP: Do u know why I pulled u over? ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
@T_N_Crumpets: Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7