Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this