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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Just a friendly reminder!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet