@PaulyPeligroso: Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
@Marlebean: The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done! I didn't do any of it. But I certainly had the opportunity.