Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.