*sewing*
A thread
You Might Also Like
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
B