“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.