It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…