@samalmightysam: ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' -Jesus flirting in a bar
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@fro_vo: Me: I'm bored Dad: hi bored I'm dad Me: I'm hungry Dad: hi hungry I'm dad Me: I'm here's 20 dollars Dad: hi here's 20 dollars Me: thanks dad
@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"