@o__0Dev: My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Steve

@TheWriteStuff2u: I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

@dafloydsta: [at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

@carlyken: I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@MAngelo505: My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men's line.