”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Ape together strong
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic