Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.