@GrantTanaka: Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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@TheBoydP: [two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My dad said he couldn't get into Game of Thrones because he doesn't like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
@Ristolable: The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"