Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
How to wake up a Beagle
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.