If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.