He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.