Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority