Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean