@skickwriter: Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: You've been volunteered as a chaperone

@thenatewolf: *jumping on a trampoline* What do you mean you want full custody?

@mattvbrady: im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything...

@SortaBad: "Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not

@HomeProbably: Fish look like they're constantly being surprised by something.