Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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mmm onion ringos
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
the short answer to this question
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]