“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Remember folks 😂
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.