Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Poetry is my passion
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
this is literally a CIA plant
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?