@tylerschmall: Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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@JohnLyonTweets: A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
@frankzulla: Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles. I can't unsee it now
@InternetHippo: *phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
@marcgravell: 8yo: "I've put my tooth in my room but I'm not saying where - it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not" - this shit just got real