@tylerschmall: Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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@thagr8short1: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
@TheAlexP: Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm? *remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked* Rattle snake
@RudeComedian: Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside