Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You Might Also Like
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.