Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Me trying to walk in a dream
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
i actually laughed 😩