@MelvinofYork: Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?
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@ActuallyEmerson: Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
@sixfootcandy: [blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
@fixyourcompass: Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
@SamuelHLowe: I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?