Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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Finally!
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES