Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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congratulations to them
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”