@Ristolable: Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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@sad_tree: *paramedic holds me as a I lay dying* ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler PM: With a top hat? ME: Of course you idiot
@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
@JermHimselfish: Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
@PHDaniel_Street: Tomorrow...trade cell phones with your significant other for the day...see how many of you are single by the end of the day...