Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Pikachu found the lost joint
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer