Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
happy mother’s day❤️
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.