I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You Might Also Like
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Sunday
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”