@briangaar: Hi I'm Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can't kick a football. I'd like to talk to you for a second about insurance
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@OrigamiUndies: Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, "excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?"
@ruinedpicnic: Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit
@_Bankrobber_: FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say "Like the murderer?!"
@wife3kidsnodogs: Wife: I'm hungry! Me: I'll order pizza Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT! Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already? Wife: WHAT?! Me: what what??