After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN