Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Strangers have the best candy.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Message from the dog groomers
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…