“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”