“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
kids play hide and seek like
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Note to self: always read the final line
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.