Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Saw your ex at the shops
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart