Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.