“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.