Said the murderer.
You Might Also Like
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no