The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
oh u like geography? name every lake
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.