Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now