@mdob11: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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@skittle624: When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
@Sal0630: Me: I'm gonna make a salad Her: I think the lettuce went bad [opens fridge] [lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
@duumb: doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house