Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.