Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You Might Also Like
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Lmao the reply
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.