Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede