Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
You Might Also Like
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
So we got a goldfish…
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.