I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY