Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me :
All Day At Night
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.