[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
yea so i messed up lol
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month