Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: