high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Dietest Coke
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them