[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
just gave your address to some spiders
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera