[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The first matador
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.